the other day

The other day my classmate and I had a brief conversation on Yahoo. It was approaching midnight and we were talking about mundane things that I couldn’t recall. Suddenly out of the blue he asked:

“What are you thinking about?”

I gave him some lame answers along the lines of “nothing much” and “why?”.

To which he flatly replied, “You’re most in love with the person you’re thinking of right now.”

For a few seconds, I paused to analyse that statement. “But what if sometimes I think about that person and sometimes I don’t?” I asked.

He told me that there’s no sometimes in this, you either think about somebody or you don’t.

And the classmate was right indeed. Deeper into the night there was only one person slipping in and out of my consciousness, or more like the memories of him.

get to sleep

Do you believe in 缘份?

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[insert deleted text]

At the end of the day, I can’t even tell whose cologne it is that lingers in the air around me.

count your blessings before they’re all gone

I’ve turned all comments off, and I think I’d like things that way for a while.

Weekend was filled with food and blisters. Huiyeon and I were having our frozen yoghurt (ice cream, really) and talking about how broken the world is when the store decided to stab us in the back and play some stupid love songs that goes, “you make me cry make me smile make me blabla..”. All sung in a really irritating cutesy female voice. I thought it sounded familiar, and then proceeded to recall that I have that song in my iPod after ripping a couple of hundred songs from a friend.

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It’s almost midnight and I haven’t even started on my essay. Seriously though, Robert Crumb and the bloody history of the development of America is the last thing I’d like to be thinking about.

And everybody’s talking to me about anti-depressants. Is this where I am heading, after four years and some – back to the path molded by prescription pills?

Outfits are plain uninspiring because I have been slapped in the face by continuous overwhelming fat days.

It doesn’t help that my mouth starts working every time my heart sinks.

Everybody lies but it doesn’t matter, because nobody listens.

There was so much I had to say, but you didn’t have the time to listen, nor the initiative to reply my message and let me know. But then and again, what rights have I to ask that of you?

The things that were there that night, they’re long gone now. Either that, or shattered into tiny little pieces the way I broke your heart.

Why else would I keep a blog, if not to pour my heart out in between the lines? It’s comforting to know that somebody, somewhere is looking, reading, listening.

Comments off.

This is how I’m feeling

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Do you comprehend?

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I did it before I could change my mind. Why the fuck didn’t I realize today was Thanksgiving?

All those restless hours, the empty nights, the loneliness sinking in every waking second, the need for physical contact, the lack of courage, the irrational fear, the memories etched like wounds.

I couldn’t take it. The consequences, oh I don’t want to think about the consequences. The effects on somebody’s life.

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Where do I go from here?

want to drop everything and run

“I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn

…”

fragments

Nobody’s home except Angelina and me. She’s probably busy watching TV or playing on her computer and I can only be too thankful for the silence. Especially after an hour of hammering and drilling from the new neighbors upstairs.

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“We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us. Love those who hurt us and hurt those who love us.”

.
When he called I didn’t even have to think too much before hanging up. I didn’t feel like talking. I haven’t for a while now. Casual conversations made up of at least 50% laughter and no real words, meanings or points are what I look for and accept. Things like that can only be found between two people who clearly do not know each other very well, without any intentions to. That’s the way it works – when people see what they are meant to see, hear what they are meant to hear and judge the way they’re meant to judge, and that alone.

Curiosity kills the cat.

The wild one craves for an escape – from both those who know only too well and those who want to. I want to go to parties where nobody knows me; I want to drink so much I throw up and pass out; I want to have fun, laugh and talk with people I’ve never met, people whom after which I’ll never see again! There do we truly have a biased opinion towards somebody, for we see them as they are. Right there. Unconcerned about the past and what we know.

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At half past two the weather started to darken and eventually gray clouds swallowed up the remaining traces of sunlight. For a few strange moments as I stood there looking out of the window and down, it felt like a scene from some cheap science fiction movies; in which the Earth and its entire people are suffering from the consequences of their own actions. For some sick, obscure reasons I was rather pleased with the gloom in the air.

And if it had been too cold to be Vietnam while standing on that corridor, the classroom felt like a typical Hong Kong winter. Granted I’ve never been to HongKong, but the statement was probably not too far stretched anyway. Fifteen minutes into the last lesson my finger tips turned purple and I could barely write decent looking words.
Somewhere along the way I was foolish.

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And that’s about all I’m entitled to say, for I’m not somewhere where nobody knows me. I can’t say what I want to say or do I what I want to do. I’m Jade, tied down by silent commitments I set for myself.

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I wish I hadn’t attempted to learn the piano. Maybe then I wouldn’t have detested the very sound it makes so badly.

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