It’s one of those days where I can breathe and feel at ease only when I am alone.

But those moments are hard to come by. Is it not always so much easier to drown in coffee and binge attacks?

And the monthly friend still refuses to come, 2 weeks past our appointment, leaving me bloated and irritated. Running temporarily gets rid of the anxiety, but one look at the scale and lead fills my stomach again.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong, but it’s got to be fixed. Now.

If you haven’t already noticed, here’s my twitter. I often post pictures there with my phone throughout the day, and you can view them by clicking on the links. The twitter updates can also be found on the side bar of my blog.

:)

Every time I start to go all emotion eating, a sense of overwhelming fear overtakes. Almost as if I had just stepped back, a step closer to what I was supposed to have put behind one and a half years ago.

ps/ that doesn’t stop the said emotional eating

I write in black.

Even though my notes are in a zillion different colors, and I have a zillion different colored pens/markers to write with, the main writing is always in black.

It’s not easy to find a good black pen that is suitable for a certain purpose. I’m particularly strict that the pens themselves have a certain thickness and weight; tips of about 0.45 to 0.6 for general pens; and having a certain amount of ink flow.

The white and purple pen in the picture is one of my all-time favourite. I got it as a Christmas present, together with a dozen other Eeyore stationeries. It’s a fountain pen that isn’t refillable, so until this day I keep it, hoping that someday I’d find a way to open up the end cap and fill it with ink again.

Next to it is a hideous silver fountain pen with blue and purple bears that I am always a little embarrassed to be seen using. Quality wise almost as good as the said Christmas present, and pretty awesome for the cost of 12 000 VND.

I have a ball-point pen (general several pages long writing), a fountain pen (doodles), and two other inkjet(?) pens (main writing). I live in a constant fear that the ballpoint pen will eventually run out of ink and I’ll never find anything good enough to replace it.

PS/ Every time I go stationery shopping and accidentally tested a blue pen, especially those inky deep sea blue, I’d literally drop it and push it away in disgust, feeling a little sick in the stomach. I swear.

A large collection of photographs.

***

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Brings back memories.

***

Halloween.

Wearing: Barbie shoes; Vintage 80s blazer; short shorts; Mango flight attendant blouse.

It’s a vintage blazer because my father made it for my sisters when they were teenagers, back on the 1980s. It’s quickly becoming one of my favourite items, with the fancy gold botton and rough feel.

And those shoes. They make me feel like I’m floating above everybody else. How nice :)

***

Feeling old.

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The locket necklace.

***

Always be grateful for the sunlight showers.

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Tension builds up like a tumour in the chest, getting almost lethal with every second passing by. Push the button, the invisible, taunting button and what released are but hiccups of choked tears and emotions long held up. The frustration and anger that had seemed nonexistent before need no trigger or cause. They take over before a word can be said.

No effort is made to restrain.

Is it worth going to bed every night knowing that these whirlwinds of thoughts would have been gone by morning? Who are we kidding but ourselves with the illusion of everything being fine, when it isn’t, really.

Who am I kidding, knowing I spring up at 3 in the morning bursting into uncontrolled tears and anger fits; knowing I gaze longingly at the vertical lines all over the canvas of my body; knowing I hear voices; knowing at the bottom of this heart that I’d bring you down one day.

Unfortunately it’s no longer a medical disorder prescription pills would fix. Those days are over. One should stop giving fancy names to mind conditions. No no… it doesn’t work that way. The bare facts are ugly, people fuck up. And that’s about all there is to it.

…

i don’t think i can do this anymore.

Today I went to halloween buffet party at a nice restaurant with my schoolmates.

But there are no pictures, because as usual, I was too busy running around in my 4.5 inch heels making sure everybody got a seat since unexpected people turned up. Was a blast nevertheless.

…

Forgot how it felt like to go home alone after the party’s over.

You used to play that song all the time, it’s the only full song you ever remember.

Hearing it just brought back so many memories. This is where I first saw you, you and the striking red on your hair that I repulsed. That’s where you started talking to me. The steps where we, all of us, used to spend a long time talking to each other after school has ended. Then there were barely 300 people in the whole school.

And that’s where you turned crimson red, choking on the words you wanted me to hear as I looked on and chuckled. Of course I had known all along.

It felt like yesterday. But yesterday was a long time ago.

…