a takeaway christmas

the other day

w|ther — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:05:54 +0000

The other day my classmate and I had a brief conversation on Yahoo. It was approaching midnight and we were talking about mundane things that I couldn’t recall. Suddenly out of the blue he asked:

“What are you thinking about?”

I gave him some lame answers along the lines of “nothing much” and “why?”.

To which he flatly replied, “You’re most in love with the person you’re thinking of right now.”

For a few seconds, I paused to analyse that statement. “But what if sometimes I think about that person and sometimes I don’t?” I asked.

He told me that there’s no sometimes in this, you either think about somebody or you don’t.

And the classmate was right indeed. Deeper into the night there was only one person slipping in and out of my consciousness, or more like the memories of him.

Back when things were more of a silky road between us and I still opened my heart and told him often how much I had missed him, he would tell me to think about all the greatness our future held. Both of us had so much potential, his warm voice reassured me over the phone, and so did this relationship.

There were many promises together with plans of things and places we had always wanted to do and see. As the conversation grew, the gentleness and utmost conviction in his voice had almost seemed enough to fill up the emptiness in the room; where I lay awake at 4 in the morning.

In a heartbeat I would vouch that he had meant every word, every time; for in that voice I heard not words of reassurance, but threads of hope and dreams carefully sewn together in his head. He had spoken of them, growing so slow and tender that our conversation soon turned into a monologue as I sank back into the sheets with my ears pressed on the phone, listening. In the deepest and darkest hours, I couldn’t help but feel as if there was a certain fragility beneath all that drapes; and him.. He was afraid of breaking that something.

Unfortunately, it was always his voice that I had listened to, as opposed to beautiful images of what could be.

The reason is simple enough. I didn’t believe in myself, never have.

All my life, I’ve wanted to be free. Freedom to me hangs dangling like a forbidden apple. Often I have been so close, enough to wrap my fingers around it; enough to have a feel of the luxurious shine; enough to wonder … what would be it like to have a taste? And then something grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back.

I think about freedom constantly. It might never be near as good as I envision it to be – perhaps freedom would be a nightmare even – but then and again how would I know unless I get out there to seek, find and experience it?

There’s so much I want out of life; but whenever I’m with him, all that seemingly fiery passion and ambitions retreat. Instead I find myself falling into a quiet sense of contentment – happy and at peace in my own world. Why the need to throw myself at the world in search of something foreign when happiness is right here and right now?

Oh this really isn’t going anywhere. I was hoping that once I start writing this post, my thoughts would align themselves and with a click of a finger it would all make perfect sense. Apparently it isn’t. How did I expect him to understand my fear of commitment and the desire to be free when I can’t even explain myself to myself ?

If you were here, perhaps none of this would have been necessary. But is that what I would have wanted?

At the end of the day ..

…

With the third purge, I have been giving the pills serious thoughts.

get to sleep

w|ther — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:13:18 +0000

Do you believe in 缘份?

…

[insert deleted text]

At the end of the day, I can’t even tell whose cologne it is that lingers in the air around me.

count your blessings before they’re all gone

w|ther — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:03:57 +0000

I’ve turned all comments off, and I think I’d like things that way for a while.

Weekend was filled with food and blisters. Huiyeon and I were having our frozen yoghurt (ice cream, really) and talking about how broken the world is when the store decided to stab us in the back and play some stupid love songs that goes, “you make me cry make me smile make me blabla..”. All sung in a really irritating cutesy female voice. I thought it sounded familiar, and then proceeded to recall that I have that song in my iPod after ripping a couple of hundred songs from a friend.

…

It’s almost midnight and I haven’t even started on my essay. Seriously though, Robert Crumb and the bloody history of the development of America is the last thing I’d like to be thinking about.

And everybody’s talking to me about anti-depressants. Is this where I am heading, after four years and some – back to the path molded by prescription pills?

Outfits are plain uninspiring because I have been slapped in the face by continuous overwhelming fat days.

It doesn’t help that my mouth starts working every time my heart sinks.

Everybody lies but it doesn’t matter, because nobody listens.

w|ther — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 11:43:03 +0000

There was so much I had to say, but you didn’t have the time to listen, nor the initiative to reply my message and let me know. But then and again, what rights have I to ask that of you?

The things that were there that night, they’re long gone now. Either that, or shattered into tiny little pieces the way I broke your heart.

Why else would I keep a blog, if not to pour my heart out in between the lines? It’s comforting to know that somebody, somewhere is looking, reading, listening.

Comments off.

This is how I’m feeling

w|ther — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 12:57:55 +0000

…

Do you comprehend?

…

w|ther — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 09:42:38 +0000

I did it before I could change my mind. Why the fuck didn’t I realize today was Thanksgiving?

All those restless hours, the empty nights, the loneliness sinking in every waking second, the need for physical contact, the lack of courage, the irrational fear, the memories etched like wounds.

I couldn’t take it. The consequences, oh I don’t want to think about the consequences. The effects on somebody’s life.

…

Where do I go from here?

want to drop everything and run

w|ther — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:24:24 +0000

“I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn

…”